July 4, 2005
I loved my husband when we married three years ago, but I've grown in confidence and maturity and don't have patience for him anymore. He's always been verbally abusive and opinionated. I thought I'd be able to live with it, as I know not every relationship is perfect.
We are now thinking about children, and I stopped taking birth control. Two years ago I met a younger man at work, and we became good friends. Something sparked and I fell in love with him. I feel he is my soul mate. He does not know how I feel yet. He is about to get married, but I know they do not have a good relationship.
I feel obligated to my marriage and don't know if I could hurt my husband enough to leave him, but every day for the past few years, before this new man came into my life, I haven't felt happy. My husband continually puts me down, and now that we are thinking about children, it's made me wonder if I want to bring a child into our marriage. I also wonder if I could put up with him for another 50 years.
I know my husband won't change. I look at this new man and think how happy I could be with him. Should I try and fix my marriage, or follow my heart and tell my friend what I feel?
Debra, literary novels often involve a woman in a terrible situation, about to make choices which will devastate her life. Nonetheless, the heroine plunges ahead. The novel ends with neither growth nor enlightenment. As USA TODAY book reviewer Deirdre Donahue notes "most literary fiction reads like an endless meditation on how many neurotics can dance on the head of a pin."
While there is something to be said for a writer who can evoke negative emotions, such a work isn't profound. Watching car crashes will have the same effect. Stories which leave you feeling hopeless and at the mercy of life are not wise. Stories which show you how to live a satisfying life are.
Your story reads like the opening of a literary novel. If the heroine hopes to be rescued by meddling in another man's engagement, she's not likely to find happiness. If she creates children with an abusive man, she'll begin a 30-year saga of frustration. But if she frees herself to be with a man who loves her, the novel may yet have a happy ending.
I have been happily married for about a year, but I have a problem. I dated a girl when I was in school, and she was my first love. Unfortunately, I never told her how I felt, and we grew apart. I've thought about her ever since.
Every time we saw each other after that we never talked, but we would catch one another looking at each other. When our eyes met, something in me melted. I tried many times before I married to tell her how I felt, but never did due to fear of rejection.
She recently married and I know I should let it be, but I can't stop thinking about what would have happened if I'd told her. Now don't get me wrong, I love my wife, but I can't help feeling I married the wrong person.
Kevin, in Milton's poem "Paradise Lost" the capital of Hell is called Pandemonium. Pandemonium is a place of uproar, confusion and chaos. It was designed by Mulciber, a fallen angel, who formerly designed buildings in Heaven.
We don't suggest that you interfere in someone else's marriage, but your story illustrates what happens when people fail to act from their deepest feelings. They drag themselves and others into a state of confusion which has no easy resolution. It is as if they have become the mayor of Pandemonium.
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email:
Posted on Jun 27, 2005 by Site Admin
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